Before I get started a couple of things for those of you who have been worrying about the state of the garden and my recently nicked mountain bike, (I’m mainly thinking of you, Mrs A. Harries of Barton-Under-Needwood…does no one else read this blog?????). Firstly, yes, Mrs Harris, I did indeed venture back outside to tackle the leaves and collected over a six-hour period a staggering eighteen bags worth of leaf fall from my garden all of which is now lined up at the side of the house waiting for me to find the calendar that the council sent out back in January that tells you when the next green collection is going to be. I have no idea where this stupid council calendar might be and there’s a strong chance that the leaves might stay there until next year. And as for the bike Mrs Harris, yes, the insurance people said that they would cough up for a new one.
Anyway, let’s get down to business. It’s January 28th already! How did that happen? Didn’t we just have Christmas? Wasn’t it New Year’s eve only a couple of weekends ago? This all feels wrong just I still feel like I’m in back-to-work mode! Still, the good news is that I am proud to say that I have had a couple of days of solid To Do Listing. The bad news however is that while all of the stuff that I did badly needed doing none of it was on my January To Do List. For instance I rearranged my bedroom so that you don’t walk into the bed as soon as you walk through the door and in the process discovered all the missing bits from the kid’s Fifi and the Flower Pots play set, hoovered up several tonnes of dust bunnies from the wooden flooring and collected together enough loose change to part-finance a trip to Pizza Express. In addition to this I also backed up my entire computer, logged all of my receipts for my accountant, got the guttering fixed, wrote two articles for national newspapers, spent several hours trying to find out what a LOLCAT was and finished off series 6 of Spooks (how could the writers do that to poor Jo?????). If this was any other time in my life I’d feel quite good about all that I’ve achieved in such a short space of time but sadly it isn’t which means instead that I’ve got a busy couple of days up ahead….
Showing posts with label january. Show all posts
Showing posts with label january. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Monday, 19 January 2009
The last couple of days have been spent doing something that I never do: answering the phone. I don’t know whether it’s a bloke thing or just a me thing but ever since I got married I simply gave up even registering that the home telephone was even ringing. I just tuned it out. The reason for this was (to my mind at least) quite logical: it was never for me. Every time I’d pick up the phone and offer a chirpy hello there would be a short pause (to indicate severe disappointment) before the person at the other end of the line (normally my mother-in-law, my wife’s mates or someone calling from Kitchen’s Direct) would ask to speak to my wife. After a whole year of that kind of abuse (although now I think about it could well have been more a week and a half) I was sufficiently discouraged to give up answering the home phone forever. ‘Ha,’ I thought to myself. ‘From now on the only phone I’ll answer is my mobile one!’ And so that’s what I did for the next ten years until my wife’s moaning about how I never answer the phone reached critical mass one evening when she completely lost the plot at me just because she’d had to travel all the way from the loft to answer a phone in the living room that was ringing less than three feet away from my right hand.
The first call came at just after 7.30 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now rather than thinking to myself, ‘What kind of monster calls a human being at half seven in the morning?’ instead I leapt out of the shower (that’s right I was in the shower), grabbed a towel and raced downstairs to answer the phone.
Me: Hello?
My Mother-in-law: Oh, that’s strange! You don’t normally answer the phone. Nothing’s wrong is it? It’s not the kids is it? They’re not ill are they? Or is it Claire? She’s all right isn’t she? Although she did have that cold didn’t she? Colds can be nasty…especially this time of year. My old next door but one neighbour—back when we lived on Sanderson Street—well auntie…or it may well have been a cousin died from a nasty cold…although it was spring when it happened which I know isn’t technically winter but y’know…still it is dangerous.
Me [Shivering]: Claire’s fine. I’m just answering the phone because Claire says I never answer the phone. I’ll go and get her for you.
My Mother-in-law: Oh no, don’t bother, I’ll speak to her later.
Me: Later?
My Mother-in-law: Yes, later.
Me: If you can speak to her later then why are you phoning her now?
My Mother-in-law: In case she was passing by the phone.
Me: You called on the off chance that she might be passing the phone?’
My Mother-in-law: Well you never know do you?
Me: But what if she isn’t passing a phone?
My Mother-in-law: Then she won’t answer it will she?
Me: So basically what you’re saying is that you regularly dial our number with nothing to say based on the statistical likelihood of your daughter being in the vicinity of a phone?
My Mother-in-law: You’re in one of your funny mood again. Tell Claire I’ll call back.
And this, ladies and gentleman, illustrates with perfect alacrity the reason why once January is over I will no longer be answering my home telephone.
The first call came at just after 7.30 a.m. on Saturday morning. Now rather than thinking to myself, ‘What kind of monster calls a human being at half seven in the morning?’ instead I leapt out of the shower (that’s right I was in the shower), grabbed a towel and raced downstairs to answer the phone.
Me: Hello?
My Mother-in-law: Oh, that’s strange! You don’t normally answer the phone. Nothing’s wrong is it? It’s not the kids is it? They’re not ill are they? Or is it Claire? She’s all right isn’t she? Although she did have that cold didn’t she? Colds can be nasty…especially this time of year. My old next door but one neighbour—back when we lived on Sanderson Street—well auntie…or it may well have been a cousin died from a nasty cold…although it was spring when it happened which I know isn’t technically winter but y’know…still it is dangerous.
Me [Shivering]: Claire’s fine. I’m just answering the phone because Claire says I never answer the phone. I’ll go and get her for you.
My Mother-in-law: Oh no, don’t bother, I’ll speak to her later.
Me: Later?
My Mother-in-law: Yes, later.
Me: If you can speak to her later then why are you phoning her now?
My Mother-in-law: In case she was passing by the phone.
Me: You called on the off chance that she might be passing the phone?’
My Mother-in-law: Well you never know do you?
Me: But what if she isn’t passing a phone?
My Mother-in-law: Then she won’t answer it will she?
Me: So basically what you’re saying is that you regularly dial our number with nothing to say based on the statistical likelihood of your daughter being in the vicinity of a phone?
My Mother-in-law: You’re in one of your funny mood again. Tell Claire I’ll call back.
And this, ladies and gentleman, illustrates with perfect alacrity the reason why once January is over I will no longer be answering my home telephone.
Friday, 19 December 2008
It’s all gone wrong again
Hello, good evening and welcome and to the new Mike Gayle To Do List Blog.
To those of you that don’t know me I’m a gentleman novelist by day and a major procrastinator by night (who am I kidding I procrastinate both day and night) and I’ve got a book out in January called The To Do List which is all about me, my family and the year I spent trying to tackle a 1,277 item long To Do List.
Anyway to celebrate the book’s launch my publishers said to me yesterday: “Why don’t you write a blog about doing stuff? And I said “Are you insane?” I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is without you lot adding to it.” And so they said: “Go on, pretty please, it’ll be good for you.” And I said: “How exactly will me having to do extra work be good for me?” And they said: “Because it will be a blog about all the stuff that’s on your every day real life To Do List that you’ve been avoiding since you finished your book.” And so I said: “Like what?” because I thought that would wrong foot them but they just laughed and said, “We’ve already spoken to your wife, Mike, so we know for a fact that you’ve got a million and one things that need doing but thankfully we only need you to pick thirty one otherwise this would end up being the world’s longest blog.” So this is it: a month’s worth of blog where I attempt to tackle thirty-one of the 1.2 million thing that have been weighing on my mind day and night like lorry load of bricks since the year dot (or there abouts).
The January To Do List
1. To Do List Item: Post cake to cousin.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:9 weeks.
2. To Do List Item: Finish the fourteen (that’s right fourteen!!!) books that I’ve currently got on the go.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Between five months and a year and a half dependent on the book.
3. To Do List Item: Buy a new mobile phone.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since my contract ended a year and a half ago.
4. To Do List Item: Try and remember the password of the e-saver account that I opened last year and forgot all about (which may or may not have £200 in it).
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Somewhere between a year (when I first remembered that I had it) and a year(when I was first realised that I definitely had no idea what it was).
5. To Do List Item: Find missing tie.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two days before the last time that I knew I had to wear a suit…so that will be eight months ago.
6. To Do List Item: Buy shirts that fit.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: A whole life-time
7. To Do List Item: Pluck up courage and determination require to chase up overdue invoice payment.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Three months.
8. To Do List Item: Cancel discount sim card
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two and bit weeks.
9. To Do List Item: Write letter of complaint to Debenhams.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two months.
10. To Do List Item: Reply to all unanswered emails.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: The majority of unanswered email is only a week old but the worst offender arrived in my in-box over 212 days ago)
11. To Do List Item: Watch the film Pay it Forward.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Well put it this way it arrived so long ago that our internet DVD club now sends us daily reminders about the fact that we could have bought it for significantly less money than we’ve paid to borrow it.
12. To Do List Item: Move offices.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: A year and a bit.
13. To Do List Item: Sort out garden.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Since the end of summer (so that’ll be June 22nd then).
14. To Do List Item: Get a capped rate from my energy provider.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since I met Martin “moneysavingexpert.com” Lewis on a TV programme eighteen months ago and he told me I was insane for not doing so.
15. To Do List Item: Fix all broken things.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: In the case of Lydia’s piggy bank approximately 45 days and in the case of the bed I broke while dancing on it probably more like a year.
16. To Do List Item: Find out where the bees in the loft are coming from.
Length of time so far spent procrastinating over it: Put it this way it’s been 38 days since the first bee appeared.
17. To Do List Item: Remove tongs from back of the cooker.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Early(ish) spring.
18. To Do List Item: Get rid of fence panels from side of house.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Approximately 98 days (and counting)
19. To Do List Item: Iron every last item in the ironing basket (even the stuff that’s been in there since the summer before last.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Months, years, it’s too hard to tell. Basically ironing (or rather not ironing stuff) is always on my mind.
20. To Do List Item: Wean youngestdaughter off her dummy.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Each and every day since we first handed it to her two years ago.
21. To Do List Item: Answer the phone more.
Length of time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since my family sat me down six weeks ago and bellowed at me: “Why do you never answer your phone?”
22. To Do List Item: Replace batteries in all kids toys.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:344 days
23. To Do List Item: Use up all “exotic” tinned purchases and impulse buys (e.g. lychee fruits in syrup and tempura batter mix)
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since I first bought them (which if the use by date on the tinned aubergine is to be believed may well be up to three years ago).
24. To Do List Item: Purchase a new duvet.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Since the first cold snap of the year (so that’ll be August then)
25. To Do List Item: Sort out pictures of kids for parents.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: It’s actually 324 days on the dot. I know this because my mother-in-law is keeping count.
26. To Do List Item: Fix guttering at side of house.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Roughly 108 days (I know this because my wife has just handed me a note saying “It’s been 108 days since I asked you to sort this out. If you have any love for me at all PLEASE DO IT NOW!!!!!”
27. To Do List Item: Scan in some old photos to your Facebook page.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:161 days
28. To Do List Item: Buy a new telly.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Eight years!
29. To Do List Item: Find the spare house keys.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: I think about the keys every time I go out and wonder to myself how I’ll get back in should my wife be out and I ever lose the ones in my hands.
30. To Do List Item: Post (and in some cases write) all belated Christmas cards.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: When was Christmas again?
31. To Do List Item: Hand out finished copies of the To Do List to the people who appeared in it.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since they arrived in a big box at my house six weeks ago and I realised there would be nothing I could do to stop my mates from reading about themselves.
Hello, good evening and welcome and to the new Mike Gayle To Do List Blog.
To those of you that don’t know me I’m a gentleman novelist by day and a major procrastinator by night (who am I kidding I procrastinate both day and night) and I’ve got a book out in January called The To Do List which is all about me, my family and the year I spent trying to tackle a 1,277 item long To Do List.
Anyway to celebrate the book’s launch my publishers said to me yesterday: “Why don’t you write a blog about doing stuff? And I said “Are you insane?” I’ve already got enough on my plate as it is without you lot adding to it.” And so they said: “Go on, pretty please, it’ll be good for you.” And I said: “How exactly will me having to do extra work be good for me?” And they said: “Because it will be a blog about all the stuff that’s on your every day real life To Do List that you’ve been avoiding since you finished your book.” And so I said: “Like what?” because I thought that would wrong foot them but they just laughed and said, “We’ve already spoken to your wife, Mike, so we know for a fact that you’ve got a million and one things that need doing but thankfully we only need you to pick thirty one otherwise this would end up being the world’s longest blog.” So this is it: a month’s worth of blog where I attempt to tackle thirty-one of the 1.2 million thing that have been weighing on my mind day and night like lorry load of bricks since the year dot (or there abouts).
The January To Do List
1. To Do List Item: Post cake to cousin.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:9 weeks.
2. To Do List Item: Finish the fourteen (that’s right fourteen!!!) books that I’ve currently got on the go.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Between five months and a year and a half dependent on the book.
3. To Do List Item: Buy a new mobile phone.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since my contract ended a year and a half ago.
4. To Do List Item: Try and remember the password of the e-saver account that I opened last year and forgot all about (which may or may not have £200 in it).
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Somewhere between a year (when I first remembered that I had it) and a year(when I was first realised that I definitely had no idea what it was).
5. To Do List Item: Find missing tie.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two days before the last time that I knew I had to wear a suit…so that will be eight months ago.
6. To Do List Item: Buy shirts that fit.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: A whole life-time
7. To Do List Item: Pluck up courage and determination require to chase up overdue invoice payment.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Three months.
8. To Do List Item: Cancel discount sim card
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two and bit weeks.
9. To Do List Item: Write letter of complaint to Debenhams.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Two months.
10. To Do List Item: Reply to all unanswered emails.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: The majority of unanswered email is only a week old but the worst offender arrived in my in-box over 212 days ago)
11. To Do List Item: Watch the film Pay it Forward.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Well put it this way it arrived so long ago that our internet DVD club now sends us daily reminders about the fact that we could have bought it for significantly less money than we’ve paid to borrow it.
12. To Do List Item: Move offices.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: A year and a bit.
13. To Do List Item: Sort out garden.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Since the end of summer (so that’ll be June 22nd then).
14. To Do List Item: Get a capped rate from my energy provider.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since I met Martin “moneysavingexpert.com” Lewis on a TV programme eighteen months ago and he told me I was insane for not doing so.
15. To Do List Item: Fix all broken things.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: In the case of Lydia’s piggy bank approximately 45 days and in the case of the bed I broke while dancing on it probably more like a year.
16. To Do List Item: Find out where the bees in the loft are coming from.
Length of time so far spent procrastinating over it: Put it this way it’s been 38 days since the first bee appeared.
17. To Do List Item: Remove tongs from back of the cooker.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Early(ish) spring.
18. To Do List Item: Get rid of fence panels from side of house.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Approximately 98 days (and counting)
19. To Do List Item: Iron every last item in the ironing basket (even the stuff that’s been in there since the summer before last.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Months, years, it’s too hard to tell. Basically ironing (or rather not ironing stuff) is always on my mind.
20. To Do List Item: Wean youngestdaughter off her dummy.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Each and every day since we first handed it to her two years ago.
21. To Do List Item: Answer the phone more.
Length of time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since my family sat me down six weeks ago and bellowed at me: “Why do you never answer your phone?”
22. To Do List Item: Replace batteries in all kids toys.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:344 days
23. To Do List Item: Use up all “exotic” tinned purchases and impulse buys (e.g. lychee fruits in syrup and tempura batter mix)
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since I first bought them (which if the use by date on the tinned aubergine is to be believed may well be up to three years ago).
24. To Do List Item: Purchase a new duvet.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Since the first cold snap of the year (so that’ll be August then)
25. To Do List Item: Sort out pictures of kids for parents.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: It’s actually 324 days on the dot. I know this because my mother-in-law is keeping count.
26. To Do List Item: Fix guttering at side of house.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Roughly 108 days (I know this because my wife has just handed me a note saying “It’s been 108 days since I asked you to sort this out. If you have any love for me at all PLEASE DO IT NOW!!!!!”
27. To Do List Item: Scan in some old photos to your Facebook page.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it:161 days
28. To Do List Item: Buy a new telly.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Eight years!
29. To Do List Item: Find the spare house keys.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: I think about the keys every time I go out and wonder to myself how I’ll get back in should my wife be out and I ever lose the ones in my hands.
30. To Do List Item: Post (and in some cases write) all belated Christmas cards.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: When was Christmas again?
31. To Do List Item: Hand out finished copies of the To Do List to the people who appeared in it.
Time so far spent procrastinating over it: Ever since they arrived in a big box at my house six weeks ago and I realised there would be nothing I could do to stop my mates from reading about themselves.
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